home

I've been feeling very sick lately.

Homesick mostly.

I am homesick not only for family and the couch, but for pretty much everything about my life the way it was before I left for college.

I miss spending time on the couch

I miss having my best friend Katie curled up in a fuzzy little ball on my feet

I miss being so close to my parents

I miss having Andy over and leaning against him as we watched TV and movies

I miss being inspired to make music

I miss having time and privacy to make music

I miss the golden sun that would always come through my bedroom window

I really miss Katie

I miss going on walks

I miss California

I miss water polo

I miss my high school friends

I miss senior year

I miss the familiarity of Terra Linda

I miss driving about

I miss going places with Gina on a whim when we got out of class early

I miss going out for lunch

I miss my group of girlfriends and how we had the unspoken agreement of eating lunch together

I miss how much fun those lunches would be

I miss the sunshine, the way it felt when it trickled across my face, the way it felt to be a high school senior, on top of the world, in the sunshine

I miss music

I miss it all

I've been feeling homesick and trying to place where the feeling is coming from.

I already knew that all these things were things that I missed, but I suppose it became really apparent this winter break that I'm not getting most of these things back. I'm past this stage in my life, and I guess this new stage just hasn't settled all the way in yet. It's good in a different way. It's not easy-going yet.

that's what I miss most about California, nothing was rushed in California.

Every minute of my life is scheduled here. Scheduled with great things, no doubt, but scheduled nonetheless. I'd like to get a few moments to breathe.

I remember the Spring here feels like that, so hopefully the spring will bring me my relief.

I realize that there is very little time now that I can chill on the couch in the sunshine and read, or watch tv, or just lay there.

and it breaks my heart most that even when I get those moments, they won't be with the souls I love most anymore.

Katie is gone for good and it hurts in a way I still can't understand.

Andy is gone at school now, so when he is home he has people to see too.

Mommy is a hard worker and has a scheduled life as well.

Daddy lives in the man-cave.

Three of those names I can get if I wanted. One of them I can never have again. My sweet Katie girl, I miss your generous love and your unrelenting warmth. I miss the true friendship you gave me since the day we met almost 15 years ago. I miss the hours we spent lounging in the sun together, chilling on the couch, and snuggling on the bed. I miss your sweet pink nose and your beautiful blue eyes. I miss the beautiful stripes and spots on your face. I miss the rumble of your thankful purr. I miss the trust you had in me. I miss the connection we had to each other. My best friend, forever and always. I miss you little girl. Know that my love is with you.

I miss everything from home, I just miss truly feeling home.

this welling pain in my chest

these welling tears in my eyes

this frustration that we don't agree on this.

I can't not say anything

I can't sit back and let my beliefs slip through my fingers.

I can't let you harm yourself if I have the chance to prevent it

I can't let you become one of the people I look at in disgust and feel sorry for them and their poor will power

i am a hypocrite but i'm trying not to be

you are a hypocrite and becoming more of one

this makes me mad to begin with, but what makes me most mad is what it's doing to us.

you've broken my trust

you've broken your promises

you've broken my faith in your words

when i'm there you obey, you listen, you are safe

when i'm not, it all goes to shit.

you lie to me, you feed me just enough truth to get away with it

you agree just enough for me not to be able to push any further

it bothers me, because i think you're doing so much of this to be cool.

you're cool anyway. you're cooler without it

the coolest people are the ones who can say no and can still have a good time

the coolest ones are the guys that are funny, not blurry eyed and in a different world

you're cool because you have a passion, losing track of that because of something else is not cool.

you're cool because you treat your girl with respect and chivalry. letting that fall away is not cool, and it hurts.

you think there are no detectable changes, nothing i can point out as a difference to use as evidence.

no dates

no money

no humor

no romance

i miss who i fell in love with. i know he is still there but i don't know how to relate to him when i don't believe in choices that he makes. i don't know how to talk to him when i don't know that he's doing even the simplest things to stay safe.

you make me feel cray, like a lunatic, like an overbearing bitch. but i don't think i am. i don't think that wanting you to make healthy choices makes me that person. Other people agree with me. then why do you make me feel like such shit for trying to protect you?

why is protecting you so hard? why won't you let me?

i don't know what to do, i don't know how to act, i don't know what to say. i hate being out of control, but you make me feel guilty for being in control. how to i find a balance of compromise to make you happy without hating myself.

fighting words

Fighting words are dangerous. to you and to those around you. Please do not use fighting word again.

Fighting words hurt.

Fighting words, the words you say when you're mad, angry, upset, hurt, struggling and you want to make someone else feel bad too. so you throw daggers.

When you look back, a second, a moment, a minute, a lifetime later, you wish you had thought about it, you wish you had said something else, you wish you hadn't sharpened the points.

You watch them damage, destroy, destruct, tear what had been there before. Your head hurts, heart hurts, ears hurt, chest hurts, why did i say those things?

Ringing, ranting, yelling, fighting, typing, griping, arguing, snapping, none of it it good, none of it helps, none of it heals what's wrong here.

I want to hold you, love you, tell you, hear you, hug you, show you that i am sorry.

I want to prove to you, share with you, build with you, care for with you this mangled piece of "us" in my hands

I want this hurt to stop, throb to stop, heart to pop, tears to drop, hear you drop an "i still love you"

I want to call you, text you, play to you, sing to you, make you listen to my heart cause my voice isn't telling the story right and it's urgent

I'm sorry, baby i'm sorry. fuck, i'm sorry. I didn't mean to throw those words.

I am so proud today. not of myself, but of Andy. He is truly incredible.

He makes things happen for himself. Not the way some people do, some people make everyday things happen, like going to the beach, or getting chores done. No, Andy makes big things happen. He can do whatever he'd like to do in this world, and he's going to. He'll make it happen.

November 7, 2010

She lets her head fall to the desk as she begins to cry. The hard wood against her cheek only reminds her where she is not: against his chest.

Suddenly though, the platform catching her tears grows softer, she feels the hairs on her cheeks prickle as they feel a sudden warmth. She lifts her eyes to glance up past her brow to see a chin covered with short dark hairs and a pair of deep brown pools of worry looking down at her.

"what's wrong baby?"

"I just miss you so much," she chokes out as she brings her hand up in front of her face to feel his warm chiseled chest, finding the clay necklace resting there. She thumbs the pendant as she blinks up at his beautiful face.

His eyes more caring than a mother's, his chin more handsome than any other, and his jaw, perfectly defined.

She brings her hand up to run her fingers along the lines of his neck as she feels his smooth warm hand run up her arm. She closes her eyes and breathes in his wonderfully familiar scent.

After a moment, she slowly opens her eyes again, needing another glimpse of his handsome face...

but he is gone.

Her head remains on the cold, hard desk and she lets her hand slowly slide down and lay limp at her side. The table is wet with tears.

poetry slam

I just got back from my very first poetry slam event (as an audience member) and it was AWESOME. It is oh so frustrating to be sitting in that audience listening to these people pour out their thoughts and souls and have my own poetic thoughts run through my head and to get back here, to my welcoming and familiar keyboard, and to forget each of the things I didn't want to.

shelby, who wishes she had a guitar onstage with her when she stands there, I want to tell you how much I used to wish that too. I still do I suppose, but now in a whole new starting from scratch sorta way. I can sing to a crowd, I can sing to a stadium, but playing guitar and singing the words that I wrote is what scares me senseless. Now there are three levels of vulnerability, my voice, my fumbling fingers and my weighty heart. I don't give myself enough credit, because you see, I have four peely fingertips to show you that I am a guitar player, but I have next to zero guts to show you that I am a guitar player. That is why I'm starting from scratch. Now, my singing and my playing are sewn together, they are one system, one organ, one pulsating and pushing urge to create a sound that maybe maybe someone will understand. I want to be heard, but the guitar is not quite enough to hide behind, instead it sits on my lap like a Great Dane, you want it there because you care for it, but it just a little uncomfortable. I want to have my music heard and appreciated from my own throat and hands, but it turns out I am afraid of both failure and praise. I don't want to trip over the music that I know I know, but I'm afraid of the feeling of hearing someone say "good job, that was great, I didn't realize you..." Didn't realize I what? Had stories to tell? Had words to spill? Had fingers that could hold little strings on a guitar tight enough to make them vibrate in just the right way to create one of the most beautiful sounds I know? Sometimes I forget too.

INSPIRATION

Just got back to Seattle after the most wonderful long weekend I've had. Well, the whole week was actually pretty wonderful. It snowed here in Seattle, then I got to go home and spend some much needed time with Andy, my family and friends from home. Now I'm back at school, and it feels nice to be here too.

Andy (for those of you who don't know, this is my amazing boyfriend of 11 months) is doing his college applications right now, and he is applying to some pretty big name schools. It's weird. Obviously, the majority of me is so happy for him and proud of him and how hard he works and all that he is capable of and has achieved. But I can't help but feel so jealous! He is amazing. He is talented and smart and what his college advisor calls a "unicorn," a.k.a. a fantastically unique mix of attributes that make him extremely nice looking to colleges. But I'm jealous because he's inspired, and he's working hard and reaching out to make his dreams happen, he has something he loves and he's fighting for the best opportunity he can have to do it.

It's so hard to describe these feelings. I'm jealous because I'm not playing music anymore. And I'm jealous because I don't know where to go next with my photography. And I'm jealous that one of these schools far away from Washington will have my boy next year. And I'm jealous that he has the guts to go for something he loves. And I don't know what to do about any of it.

Being at school can be so distracting. I know I'm here to learn, and I know I would be bored and disappointed if I weren't doing crew, but I can't help but feel frustrated with my lack of inspiration. But that seems wrong too. I do feel inspired. I am just too chicken to do anything about it. I used to write all the time, I used to take photos of everything, I used to make music or lyrics all throughout the day. Even my lame singing class is bringing out the crazy feelings I have of just absolutely missing singing. I love it, and I need it, but I am still so scared by it. I am scared of not being as good as I want to be, I'm frustrated with the feeling of not being able to create the music I have in my head, and I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to jump back into what I left behind. But I'm growing restless and I need to jump, like really really jump. I need to fly.

no one likes halfway

halfway full

halfway done

halfway good

halfway anything

the halfway point sucks

i am halfway (i believe today is the exact day) and it is sooo hard. It's a bad torn feeling because i'm starting to really like it here and find my place and find my motivation and all of that, but at the same time, i am sooo ready to see andy again and to be home for a bit and to feel all of that familiarity. But i'm only halfway. Once i get past this week and the next, it will be so easy! I just don't know how to do that.

I miss him so much it hurts and i feel like i'm forgetting my own advice on staying happy and positive. But it's hard, really hard, sometimes to listen to your own advice.

10/10/10

My first assignment for one of my classes in college is to write about how my transition to the UW is going. I have a LOT of things to say about how my transition is going, but the things i want to say are not the things they want to hear. they want to hear about classes and whether college is what i imagined and so on.

What i want to talk about though is how, even though i am enjoying college so far and things are feeling more comfortable and normal each day, the thing i can't get off of my mind is how much i miss andy.

It's hard to miss someone when you are the one who left. You feel guilty and responsible. you feel like you're the cause of all the pain, you don't get to blame anyone else for how you are feeling. But, for me anyway, the worst part is that i don't have anyone i can really talk to about it, no yet anyway.

It feels like every other minute my throat is swelling up and i'm fighting back tears that i just cannot let drip down my face. I can call people and maybe cry a little, but i try to disguise it in my voice so that people walking by, or the people outside my room, or my roommates, don't hear. i just need to let it all out but i don't have a place to do that.

the tears come whether i want them to or not, it's just become a matter of wiping them off before they attract the attention that they need but don't want.

the worst part is that i know he is having a hard time too. but he thinks about it differently than me. he hates being sad and missing me, and i hate it too, but i see how special it is to have someone that it hurts to be away from. it means so much more than distance or geography or anything else, it means you have someone that you care about so much that, whether you're labeled as together or not.

get this shit rollin'

i hate hate hate feeling torn. It sucks so much in so many ways. how do i commit myself to something so serious if i don't even know if i care about it yet? how do i chose what matters when i don't know what will matter in the long run?

damn.

i have to keep going and give it a try because i know i will be disappointed in myself if i don't. i have to keep trying until i have a good reason not to.

so many things are new and there are so many things to try.

i wanted to pick them all but i have to pick a few.

water polo was a leap of faith and look how well it turned out! I want to be strong, i want to be motivated, i want to be proud of what i have accomplished, so why the hell am i not totally pumped about this?! i have no fucking idea. I think i just have a lot on my plate.

to everyone who is reading this who has not gone to college yet, it is different than you expect. yes, you make friends. yes, you have fun. yes, your classes are more interesting. But it's crazy how all of those things have this new kind of pressure on them. I'm sure i'm more prone to getting stressed from that pressure than other people, but still, i'm sure you'll feel it.

you know what? i'm going to do this. i'm going to put behind my freakish nerves and just do it. i really cannot think of why i shouldn't. i'm already improving! i'm already doing better at the running, the friend-making, the core stuff, the erging and the nuances of this sport (what little nuances i've had the opportunity to try so far anyway), i just need to get my head in the game.

i don't know if i can.

leaving my kitty and my boy is the scariest thing i've faced in a long time.

College: My Realizations About What Having A Roommate Really Means

1) they are not your friends who love you yet, they are strangers who may not understand your habits

2) keep your shit clean!

3) with the exception of your bed, your space is also everyone else's space

4) no wedgie picking

5) no nose picking

6) no picking and choosing, learn to settle for things

7) try not to make weird noises in your sleep

8) what if they don't love disney channel as much as i do??

9) keep yourself mostly covered when you get dressed

10) be quiet at night, no loud music to help you try to stay awake

more to come as they come to my mind!